I Accidentally A Whole Cricket Blog

Welcome to "We Can't Play Cricket" - a blog about how much we suck at the best game in the world. Here you'll find stories of our embarrassing defeats, retellings of epic trash talks and a good deal of trash.

My chosen moniker is Philosoraptor, for wholly unrelated reasons.

This will be the first season I'm a starting player for my action cricket team, having been a stand in for the past two, so in the interest of context and all that, I present some statistics:

• Testicular blocks*: 1
• Distractions by the game in the neighboring net: 2
• Finger-weeks** lost: 6
• Barrel rolls: 2
• Games won (that I played in): 3
• Games won (total): probably much more
• Games lost: 20?

And some statistics for this season, because that's what cricket's about:

• Batting average: 12,25 (4 overs each game).
• Bowling average: 7,63.
• Average runs conceded per game: 15.25 (2 overs each game).
• Economy: 7,63 runs per over.

My team calls me a "big hitter" (well one member does), but in reality I just don't know any real cricket shots. I used to be a slow-medium (I flatter myself) bowler that went at around eight runs an over. Poor shoulder muscle strength lead to slow pace and an injury that has rendered my right arm... "clacky".

So now I'm a slow leg-break bowler that goes at around twelve runs an over.

My grandmother always said those hours of programming would render me a worthless wretch.

But I don't give up, I'm a sort of cricket masochist, here to entertain the sadists and hopefully provide some pieces of advice to other pasty 20-something aspiring cricketers. Hopefully it will be an entertaining narrative as I try to improve those figures above. I'm targeting a batting average of 20, and an economy of 6 runs per over, for what it's worth.

I'm heavily influenced by this guy who's the main writer for this well-known (and irreverant) cricket blog. Go check it out.

* A testicular block is when you keep the ball from hitting your stumps using your crotch. Not recommended if you want to spawn.

** A finger-week is the weeks your fingers work, sort of like man-hours or man-weeks. This is important when you're a programmer by vocation.